long time since posting

It has been a long time since I have posted anything for awhile. Honestly, it feels like I have nothing of value to say...

All I keep thinking about is my "old" life, how much I liked it, and how much I took advantage of all the things that I had that I liked/loved. I want my old friends back, I want to be carefree, I want to laugh more, I want to enjoy my job, I want to learn more, and most of all, I want to not have to want any more.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for what I have (a job, a house, food, money, a fiancée who loves me...), but I want more than what I have. Is that so wrong?  That makes me feel awful sometimes, I have some students that barely have food or clothes at home, I know plenty of people that do not have jobs, I know people that are more alone than I am....and yet here I am unsatisfied with my life.

I am supposed to be planning my wedding right now, and I keep putting it off. I was never a girl that planned her whole wedding before it happened, so it kind of make sense that I have no idea what I want. However, I really don't care about the wedding. I feel that we are already married, so the ceremony doesn't bother me (I am not religious, so that doesn't bother me either). So I could really go on with my life without it. I was thinking about why I am okay with this lack of enthusiasm (and yet spending all this money on crap that I do not care about) and I realized it is because I did sort of plan my wedding.

When I realized that G was the person that I wanted to marry, I thought of 3 things: 1) spending my life with an amazing man, 2) having a small outdoor wedding with more friends than family and 3) having my best friends as my girls in my wedding.  Alright, so #1 is still happening, no matter what, but outdoor weddings are not allowed in the Greek Orthodox church (so that is out) and #3 is out because all but 2 of the people I imagined in my wedding are going to actually be in my wedding.  One girl is living in Germany (with her husband), one girl is at least friends with me on facebook, but won't talk to me (and lives in Buffalo), and one girl will not even acknowledge my existence and she was my best friend. It has been over 2 years since we stopped talking, and even thinking about losing her from my life still brings tears to my eyes.  

I know that your wedding is supposed to be something that you look back on with great memories, and except for the fact that I am going to be marrying my George, I really don't give a crap about my wedding.   Is that wrong?

I do not like the way my life is going or turning out. I want to go back to SC, I want friends, and I don't want to deal with the kids that I deal with everyday.

Maybe that is why I haven't posted anything for a while, my life is not worth mentioning right now. I lead a simple life, a meaningful life, but simple none-the-less.

I want more, I just have to figure out exactly what I want, so I can then figure out exactly what I need to do in order to achieve those goals.

ttfn