long time since posting

It has been a long time since I have posted anything for awhile. Honestly, it feels like I have nothing of value to say...

All I keep thinking about is my "old" life, how much I liked it, and how much I took advantage of all the things that I had that I liked/loved. I want my old friends back, I want to be carefree, I want to laugh more, I want to enjoy my job, I want to learn more, and most of all, I want to not have to want any more.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for what I have (a job, a house, food, money, a fiancée who loves me...), but I want more than what I have. Is that so wrong?  That makes me feel awful sometimes, I have some students that barely have food or clothes at home, I know plenty of people that do not have jobs, I know people that are more alone than I am....and yet here I am unsatisfied with my life.

I am supposed to be planning my wedding right now, and I keep putting it off. I was never a girl that planned her whole wedding before it happened, so it kind of make sense that I have no idea what I want. However, I really don't care about the wedding. I feel that we are already married, so the ceremony doesn't bother me (I am not religious, so that doesn't bother me either). So I could really go on with my life without it. I was thinking about why I am okay with this lack of enthusiasm (and yet spending all this money on crap that I do not care about) and I realized it is because I did sort of plan my wedding.

When I realized that G was the person that I wanted to marry, I thought of 3 things: 1) spending my life with an amazing man, 2) having a small outdoor wedding with more friends than family and 3) having my best friends as my girls in my wedding.  Alright, so #1 is still happening, no matter what, but outdoor weddings are not allowed in the Greek Orthodox church (so that is out) and #3 is out because all but 2 of the people I imagined in my wedding are going to actually be in my wedding.  One girl is living in Germany (with her husband), one girl is at least friends with me on facebook, but won't talk to me (and lives in Buffalo), and one girl will not even acknowledge my existence and she was my best friend. It has been over 2 years since we stopped talking, and even thinking about losing her from my life still brings tears to my eyes.  

I know that your wedding is supposed to be something that you look back on with great memories, and except for the fact that I am going to be marrying my George, I really don't give a crap about my wedding.   Is that wrong?

I do not like the way my life is going or turning out. I want to go back to SC, I want friends, and I don't want to deal with the kids that I deal with everyday.

Maybe that is why I haven't posted anything for a while, my life is not worth mentioning right now. I lead a simple life, a meaningful life, but simple none-the-less.

I want more, I just have to figure out exactly what I want, so I can then figure out exactly what I need to do in order to achieve those goals.

ttfn

time for a change

When did I become so reserved?

I used to be the life of the party, never could shut up, and I was always ready and more than willing to voice my opinion. And I of course, had an opinion about everything.

And today I realized that I am not that person anymore.  And I don't like it. I feel boring and reserved and closed up. I don't feel very effective as a teacher, an adult, or a human being. Granted, I am not a law breaker or anything (and I don't want to be)...but I really don't like who I have become.  I am not boring, and I never was...so what happened?

I have become so concerned with what people think of me, that I forgot to think about what I think of me.  Guess it's time for a change.  Granted I have to make this change while still being 'the adult' in my classroom (not like I feel that way now)....maybe this is why I stopped taking pictures, and painting.  Time for a change.

summer time rain

Summer thunderstorms in the South are the best. I don't think that there is anything like them anywhere in the world.  The day of a major thunderstorm...well, you wake up, walk outside (to let the dogs out), and you just know...you can smell the rain coming.  It was hot, like crazy hot outside at 6:00 am when I was woken up because my dog has the bladder the size of a pea.  The heat index via weather.com: 104 degrees!!  But by 3 pm it was dark (I'm talking 8 pm dark) and the thunder heads were rolling in....I sat outside in a lawnchair, underneath our tiny awning, with a book and a glass of ice water (remember, no more sweet tea for me...) and I could only read 12 pages.  I just couldn't help but sit and soak in the crisp coolness that the day had become.  I just watched the lightening strike and let the sound of the thunder rock me to my core...I relaxed as I watched the rain come down and slowly darken everything around me...the concrete, the mulch, the leaves, the flowers...everything became just a shade darker.  And yet, in that darker shade, somehow more vibrant and more alive.  As if the world itself was telling the sky, "Thank you".  Thank you for the water that will cool the ground so that the tiny little beetle's feet won't get burned; thank you for the water that will help the roses and gardenias grow stronger roots so that they can last all winter; thank you for the rain to cool the surrounding air so the beautiful pink roses won't get sunburned anymore.  It is truly amazing how nature takes care of itself.  Plants sprouted and grew and shriveled and died, all before humans came around. Some things would live, while others died waiting for that thirst quenching rain.  It has happened a million times before, and it will happen a million times more, after I am dead and gone.  Nature truly astounds me.

Sometimes I wish that I lived in a different era.  That if I wanted to, I could just get up one day and walk in the world around me.  That if I had the whim I could decide to walk from one shore to the other...just because I could.  That I would live off the land, shelter in a cove of trees from thunderstorms like today's..snuggled deep under some type of cloak or hood to keep the rain off my face.  That I could stop and listen serenely, not to the sounds of humans, that hustle and bustle (and the sound of technology) but to the every changing lives of the nature that surrounds us.

 Nature does not care that our economy is awful, that many despise our leaders, that people blow themselves up for the sake of a God, that people scramble for jobs just to play 'keeping up with the Joneses'.  Nature cares about life, and the struggle to survive (something that we make harder for nature each and every day....example: oil spills...enough said), and relishing in death.  The cycle of life (with or without human interaction) is completely amazing.  Everyday that I wake up and look at my roses or the every climbing morning glories, I am just amazed...baffled by how life always goes on.  No matter how bad it may seem, how boring it is, how much of a struggle it can be...life always goes on.

I really just want to pick a destination, and just walk there.  Get a big pack full of supplies (such as cooking utensils, matches, ponchos, tent, some warm clothes, thick socks, a sewing kit, etc...) and just go.  Leave all this behind.  I like technology, I use it everyday.  I use my computer for email and facebook (and blogging stuff that no one actually reads, save for one bff), I use electricity to turn on lights, and a hot water heater to take a warm shower.  I use running water piped upstairs so I can live in a two story house.  I use air conditioning (thank you from the entire South for whomever invented it).  I use a car to get to and from places that I need to go.  Like I said, I use technology everyday.  But sometimes, especially on days like today, I am filled with wanderlust.  I just want to get out in the world, in nature, and leave everything behind. I use technology, but that does not mean that I just can NOT live without it.  I want to be a child of nature, and let myself be consumed with the ever changing life that consists of the same circle of life.

DIEts suck

I hate watching what I eat...this sucks.

I'm trying to eat better...G's doctor told him that the has high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and he needs to limit his sugar and carb intake....BTW I've been saying this for a while...granted, it was one of those 'do as I say, not as I do kinda things'

So, I'm trying to eat better...and all I can think about is hamburgers, and cheese fries, and hotdogs, and sushi...yes I woke up thinking about sushi.  It is only 10:30 am here and I want sushi.  I want the raw fish, the cold rice, and the crisp crunchy veggies...

The problem with sushi?  I eat way too much of it...therefore not healthy (or good since I'm trying to watch my portion control)...and it tastes best when dipped in low-sodium soy sauce.  It says low-sodium..but really it is still as bad as licking a salt-lick....

The other problem?  I have become obsessed with cooking.  That is all I want to do.  While I am trying to get things organized for the upcoming school year (new-hire orientation on the 27th!) I put a movie on for background noise...Everyday for the past week I have watched Julie & Julia. (currently playing now is Ratatouille...LOVE Disney) I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  need Julia Child's cookbook....because I am dying to cook my way through it.  Granted, not having a job, which means no money, is making not cooking exquisite dinners so much easier...but it still doesn't help the fact that I have not quenched my desire to cook.  Our fridge is full...and I just want to cook more...I have stuffed grape leaves, chili, soup, pasta all in the fridge....everything home-made of course.  

Of course, spending most of my day in front of the computer screen is not all that healthy either.  Heat index~ 105+ degrees....I'm so not going outside...especially not to exercise and pass out from heat exhaustion.  At least I've traded my normal office chair for a yoga ball.  But all that has done is to put me on eye level with my dog, and I get licked roughly 3 times a minute (this has been going on for about an hour now....I feel like I need to shower...again).

I'm discouraged.  I think that might be the understatement of a lifetime.  I know I need to get up and do stuff, I know I need to eat better, but I am stuck.  I have been stuck in a funk for a while...and I think that the decline in my health (and the following increase in my waist-line) is just an expression of the mental funk that I am in.  I am hoping that having a daily routine will help.  Lately I do not have a routine (it is hard to create one when you have nothing to do, and mental deadlines do NOT work...no matter what anyone says), and therefore I have 'all the time in the world' to get stuff done.  For example, yesterday was house-wife day...I did 3 loads of laundry, stripped and made both beds, cleaned the downstairs floor, did a load of dishes, and cleaned the guest bathroom.  It sounds like a lot, but honestly that only took about an hour and half to do all that.   Today, work more on the timeline.  Tomorrow, go inventory my new classroom.  So bored.  

OMG I want some French bread and butter right now....I'm gonna get a banana.  

new job!

I'm so excited!! I just accepted a job offer to teach 7th/8th grade science! However, I'm not thrilled about the hour-long commute, but at this point, I'll take it! It is for Tuscaloosa City Schools (yes that is the home of University of Alabama...ROLL TIDE!!). The school is a small school, less than 500 for 6-8 grades, and I'm the only science teacher for the 7th/8th grades. I'm a little nervous about that, but I think that everyone is always a little nervous before they start something new. I'm also nervous about the fact that I was told that I will have some autistic kids in my class (with varying levels of intensity), but I can be patient, and I will just have to be more flexible to work with those students!

I've already been looking up activities and things to do, but I think that my biggest challenge will be 'dumbing' the material down. I love science, and I especially love higher level sciences...however, 7th grade is Life Science and 8th grade is Physical Science.

I've been looking over the AL science standards, and I really want to write them and ask them to re-organize them...the organization is terrible! Wouldn't it make sense if Standard 2 is built upon what is learned in Standard 1? Instead it is all jumbled around and I have to pick through it and re-organize it to create a schedule for the students. The hard part is that EVERYTHING that I have for teaching is for high school. But the good part is middle school can be more fun, so I get to tap into my creative (and arts-n-crafts) side.

The principal is on vacation this week (like everyone else should be~Yay for the 4th of July!), so I don't know when I need to drive down there and sign my contract. I have a ton of questions, but the first thing I'm going to do is find the copy of their text books, and make a schedule. If I am going to be a good teacher, I have to GET organized, and then I have to STAY organized...

So, I went to the public library (one of the best public libraries I have EVER been to) to pick up some books. Btw I can't stop smiling because of all the kids that are running around finding books to read. I never thought that I would hear a mom say, "No, 10 books is more than enough for today" or my favorite was a kid who was in the third grade, pick up a book and the mom goes, "Are you sure you want to read it? It's for the 6th grade" and the kid goes "But mom, it looks good!"

Anyway, while I was picking up another series to read (The Malloreon by David & Leigh Eddings) I decided to check out their books on science activities/experiments for kids, and they have 2 whole book shelves (that are taller than me) filled with science books for kids 3rd grade-8th grade. It makes me feel better, especially being in the south (therefore science is supposed to be bad...whatever, it is more of learning about the world around you than learning bad things). I'm so totally stoked about what I picked out and that I have resources very close bye.

So, please think back to what you liked or did not like in school and let me know (and yes my students WILL get homework, sorry...that's not an option with me). Also, let me know of any activities that are fun, creative, and introduce something new/enriching to students. I'm definitely going to do some plant experiments, I'm going to try and order owl pellets for food webs/food chains (so much fun!), and I have to figure out how best to teach ANATOMY TO 7TH GRADERS (if you can't tell, I'm kinda a little bit more than excited to know that anatomy is included in the 7th grade standards). Also, I might start posting activities on here for review, just a heads up...

KthxBYE

my blog/life

I am currently wondering what direction I want to go with blogging. I at first wanted to talk about science things, and scientific ponderings, but now, I am not so sure.

I watched Julie and Julia last night (or whichever order the title is in)...and I need something to do. I know that some people blog or Tweet in a desire to become famous, and I don't exactly want that. I would like to have my blogs read by people, preferably friends, but I know that I don't want to become famous. However, while in the shower yesterday (where my best musing is done) I decided that I would like to differentiate myself from the large number of people out there in the world. But the question is how to do that? There are billions of people in this world, many of which are more talented, or more intelligent than I am, so what should I do?

I am currently reading a blog about a girl who makes something new out of something old everyday! The theme is $365, 365 days, and she makes something new EVERYDAY!

I also read a blog that is written by a SC woman with tips about home ec problems and solutions (including recipes). Very informative, and I realized I definitely need to start planning out meals on a weekly basis...

One of my friends writes a blog about her and her husband and what is going on with their lives, because he is stationed in Germany. So it makes sense to write about her life, because it is not like we can just pick up the phone to talk to her.

Another friend from highschool is doing a semester at sea, and that is what her blog is about (kinda jealous of traveling the world, and the courage it took to try something so bold and so new!)

However, I don't think that I am talented enough to do either of those things, or that my life is all that interesting...granted I like to cook (but I'm only now learning how to be inventive), I know how to sew (and I would love to get a new sewing machine)...but I'm wondering if I should come up with some deadline and some theme for my blog. Would that help me feel more fulfilled in my day-to day activities? Because honestly, sometimes I just don't have some desire to get out of bed. Hence the need for a hobby (that does not include reading ~see previous blog~ or housework...which bores me to TEARS!~literally...)...so what hobby?

I was thinking about trying something new. And that be my 'thing'. Like try a new book, activity, exercise, etc...everyweek...but I don't know if I have the funds for that...

What activity could I try that would help lift my spirits, and help me to feel more at home in this new city and new state?

summer reading list

My bookcase (which is actually only about half of my books...granted I have 1 1/2 shelves of just cookbooks)...but you get the idea...

A friend of mine has recently asked for a list of good books to read, and as I started to leave a comment on her blog (which is what is written below) I figured it would just be best to write it in my blog.

I have been currently re-reading my summer list (which I do EVERY SUMMER...well, since I was 17 or so, however new books get added every year)...these are not the order that I always read them in, but I always read all of these by the time summer is over...Oh, and you know that I read fast, so I generally read a book a day, so I read a lot of series...

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (I was assigned to read this book for my 9th grade honors English class, and it is still one of the best books I have ever read. It is set in the future, and it is about the government trying to breed genius kids to become battle commanders in a war, and it makes me realize that adults are messed up and that children know more than what we give them credit for. The rest of the series is pretty good too, and I would love to have a Speaker for the Dead at my funeral...if you haven't read that book, then you have no idea what I am talking about).

IT by Stephen King (one of my favorites because if you look past the creepy/skin crawling kind of stuff you can get down to the underlying meanings and themes throughout the book, which are definitely something to ponder the socio-economic society plus the semi-political themes. By the way, I am on my third paperback copy of this book...this one definitely needs to be read in paperback curled up in a big comfy lazyboy.)

Cujo by Stephen King (I own dogs, so I don't know why I read this one, but it is well written, and for some reason it always needs to be read while listening to classics like Creedence Clearwater Revival, Hendrix, Zepplin, or Skynard...don't know why, but that is how I roll)

The Stand by Stephen King (totally good...not really all that creepy, but very good none-the-less, it's about a chess game between the devil and God and humans are the chess pieces....it's long (like 800+ pages~actually it is 1152 pages, but that is the hardback book, and it is an old edition), but sooooo good when you finish it)

Digital Fortress by Dan Brown (a very Dan Brown-sh book, I guess you would classify this as a suspense thriller? but the main character is female, and she works as an analyst for the government decoding encrypted messages looking for terrorist threats.)

The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling (because isn't summer time about being a kid again?...granted the last books in the series ALWAYS make me cry and very non-kid like, but since the books grew as the generation who first started reading it grew, it makes sense).

I always try to read one Classic, and this summer I am leaning towards Treasure Island. I can never finish any Jane Austen book (I just think they are so dull that I find myself skipping whole paragraphs and whole pages just to say I finished the book...which is not something that I normally do).

I like to read The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway, it makes me want to dress like Amelia Earhart (or from that era) and drink luke-warm vodka out of a crystal highball glass and lounge around not having a care in the world....

This year I have read:

The Blind Side by Michael Lewis (the movie was based upon this book, however I learned A LOT about football, so since I didn't know a lot about football history, it was kinda a slow read for me, but Leigh Anne Tuohy makes me very proud to be a southern woman, and I would aspire to be like her).

Twilight Series by Stephene Meyer (this series is my guilty pleasure, definitely an easy read because it was written at like a 10th grade reading level, but the emotions that the characters display are very relateable, hence why it is mostly desired/adored by teenage girls. And yes I get made fun of by my significant other because of reading this series, but he is a man, and therefore doesn't get it. I know what it feels like to have my heart ripped out, and to choose between men, and to find the love of my life...so ppppllllllbbbbbbb!!! ~that would be a raspberry in case you were wondering!)

Geisha of Gion: Memoir of Mineko Iwasaki (awesome!! it explains the culture of a true Geisha, and this was what the movie Memoirs of a Geisha was based upon...The language is strange because it was originally written in formal Japanese and translated into British English, but still very insightful).

Dracula by Bram Stoker (this is the original Dracula book, the middle is very slow, but it is a great classic to read) and if you read this book, then you should IMMEDIATELY follow that up with:

The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova (a blend of the ancient stories about Vlad Dracula, the current folklore, and a mission to find out the 'truth'. This novel is very new, as comparison to Stoker's so its kinda the same, but different ;-) ).

Planning to read:

The Belgariad Series by David Eddings (okay, it is fantasy, but the characters are great and lovable however many of the made-up names are hard to sound out, so in my head I'm sure they are very different than what Eddings had intended. It is about how there were 7 gods on earth and there were once two prophecies in the universe (not really good and bad, but more of US vs. THEM) and it is about the final battles and confrontations in deciding which prophecy will win, because only one prophecy (the future) can be allowed...think about how scientists talk about different parallel universes and stuff like that...read the series before, and I'm gonna read it again).

Cesar's Way by Cesar Millan (my mom gave me this book, it is written by the guy who is known as the Dog Whisperer, so I am kinda looking forward to reading what it is about).

the Truth Series by Dawn Cook (my mom got me the first book at a book signing, so it is signed by the author, who is a SC native; definitely fantasy, but the female character is so stubborn that I have NO problem relating to her).

I have recently picked up a few John Grisham novels, and my favorite so far is The Pelican Brief (very lawyer thriller, so it fits his writing profile/style).

I also plan on re-reading A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawkings (he explains physics into layman's terms, and makes me question what I believe is true or not true about science now and the future of our universe and the future of science).

I want to read Einstein: the Life and Times by Clark, however the book is HUGE! so we shall see about that one...

I also want to read Great Essays in Science by Martin Gardner, but I think that one might bore me a little too much...

Okay, so I think that since I am re-reading a lot books, that I need to go to the bookstore soon...however, no job=no money=no new books (since I can't get out of a store without spending around $50!)... I think I need to find the library here and get a library card!

PLEASE leave comments or suggestions. As you can tell, I love to read and I will read almost anything (if you can't tell by the many different genres that I have listed here).